LOVES Messenger

LOVES Messenger

T-24.II.14. The key you threw away God gave your brother, whose holy hands would offer it to you when you were ready to accept His plan for your salvation in the place of yours. 2 How could this readiness be reached save through the sight of all your misery, and the awareness that your plan has failed, and will forever fail to bring you peace and joy of any kind? 3 Through this despair you travel now, yet it is but illusion of despair. 4 The death of specialness is not your death, but your awaking into life eternal. 5 You but emerge from an illusion of what you are to the acceptance of yourself as God created you.

On August 1977 I was handed the golden key that briefly opened a door , long enough to let me “see” , and keep me searching until I found what I knew was true.

Then, 20years old (suicidal, angry, bitter from guilt and twisted from acid and booze) I boarded an overnight express train in Melbourne (Australia) its destination, Sydney.

As the train rushed through the black of night I stood between two carriages contemplating stepping into the blackness to end the torment of a disillusioned and failing life. This was the closest yet I had come to taking that final step. During the days before this night I had climbed my way via the fire escape, out onto the top of the apartment block on Flinders street overlooking the central railway station, where I rented a small room with my diminishing savings. Each day on the roof, looking out at the horizon of peaceful clouds and migrating geese and swans and then to the noisy busy street below, feeling so confused, alien and alone.

Out of the blue I received an invitation in the mail box, to my friend’s 21^st birthday party in Sydney. I’m still not sure how the letter found me but this was my last straw at which I grabbed (and unbeknown to me the first in a series of seemingly orchestrated situations). That same day I bought the train ticket with my last few dollars and walked across the street and boarded the train.

I turned away from where I stood staring into the darkness and fumbled my way through the carriage to my seat which was next to the window. Perhaps it was the prospect of Sydney that turned me from that final step into the blackness. In the isle seat was a middle aged man to whom I began an arrogant attempt at conversation, I found myself imposing my knowledge of some Harrikrishna book I had just read. I don’t remember too much of the actual dialogue we were involved with, but what was soon to happen, I could have never imagined possible.

John, the gentleman to whom I was waffling to in the shadowy lighted carriage, turned to me and gently asked “what do you know about forgiveness?” I replied that I new very little, but from his sincerity I felt in the question, I was open to listen to him. He then went on to explain how un-forgiveness (grievance) was like a cancer and not only did it cause disease and suffering and pain for the person who held un-forgiveness (judgment) but also the person upon whom the judgment is aimed would also suffer.

These words gripped at my heart and I saw the bitterness and guilt I was carrying was as he had said, a cancer eating away at me causing my suffering and torment. I saw how I disguised this with a tough-guy arrogant image. I also saw those to whom I vented my judgment and anger at as undeserving of such poison. Especially too, my own family, as I could see that this was where my grievances were nurtured as a young boy. I was always playing the victim and holding grudges as a way of manipulating. It must have tormented my parents something awful.

For the mistakes and blindness I had fallen into I wept with forgiveness in the dimly lit carriage as it rattled through the night.

I had cried myself to sleep while it was night and as I began to stir just as the early dawn had come, I became aware of something very different, I was not sure what to make of myself as I felt completely different, no longer heavy and depressed, but as light as a feather and as I looked at my arms and hands I laughed and said to John “I feel as though I have been washed from the inside out with crystal clear water and if I could cut my limbs off I would still be untouched”. “John”, I asked filled with a warm joy and a sense of oneness “what is this that has happened to me?”

John proceeded to explain in few words that my forgiveness had set me free!

I looked out the window at the bush land as we speed through the hills and nature was singing to me through its newness. This excited me more and I felt as though I was one with everything and a deep ancient mysterious and infinite presence which I could not quite comprehend.

People in the carriage began to stir from their sleep and move around, and as I looked at them I could see them in their “innocence” and at the same time I was without judgment, just a pure unconditional acceptance. I saw the silly games they were playing with each other and I felt the pain that they were causing each other. I watched an elderly couple in their “special relationship” inflicting pain onto each other through their subtle verbal grievances as though this life long victimizing practice was a “normal relationship”. Yet I saw the victim scripts being played out from their unconsciousness.

I watched some young men luring an innocent girl toward their snare and felt like I wanted to warn her of the deception at play, but I was more the “passerby” and watched with amazement at my clarity of “vision”.

I asked John where I could learn about this “whatever it is that has happened to me” and he mentioned a book called “Im ok, Your ok” ( Transactual analysis ?sp ). (Some days later I read the book but it was way out of my depth and I sought for understanding in other places.)

The train climbed its way through the hills and emerged into fields before its final decent into Sydney. What followed I was not prepared for, and as the train turned a bend I gasped with horror as my new perception tried to comprehend this ugly and hideous sight. There out in the field stood the massive steel grey power pylon with thick power lines drooping of into the distance. To me it was insanity to behold such a wrong object in what was previously a vibrant and natural perception, now contaminated with something so wrong. I fumbled at trying to reason with it, only to say to John “this is so wrong” to which he just smiled, and within minutes I was seeing many such hiddious things strewn across the landscape. I realized that something was very wrong and had the strong feelings that man had gotten it all so very wrong. (I now understand the trick of ego and its illusions thanks to ACIM)

As the train soon wound its way into the urban sprawl of bricks and steal, passing through dirty train stations I was quickly to be overcome with what I could not reason with and a subtle fear began to take controle again though I felt it I new not how to manage it.

At the central station I was reluctant to say a teary goodbye to my new friend though it was necessary. I would not see him for another seven years.

I grabbed a taxi down to the wharf where I caught a Hydrofoil across to Manly which was at the far side of the harbor. This ride had another “shock” install for me which I realize now from AICM this was the ego sucking me back into its fearful illusion and deception.

As the hydrofoil skimmed gracefully across the water I was standing on the deck looking out to the right hand side when there emerged this huge pitch black ugly hideous monster from beneath the surface. Fear of Death screamed at me and I shuddered with a terrifying thought that mankind could think of and make such a awful deathly thing. This Naval “submarine” was heading in the same direction as us but I could not stand to look upon it for what it symbolized…death. I had swallowed the illusion of fear hook line and sinker….I was falling asleep into the illusion of “separation” again, being without any compass to give me spiritual instruction or guidance I felt fear sucking the happiness away and I was now afraid of loosing my new found “awareness”.

At reaching Manly wharf I was unsettled but still in awe of my initial awakening experience and felt a new hope that I could work it all out and get the joy back.

Within a matter of two days I had all but lost the lightness and “vision” of my experience, but miracles didn’t stop and over the next few months I encountered some interesting twists and turns that gave me determination to not stop seeking for what I new was reality beyond the nightmare.

I could fill a book with the journey that followed but to round it off for a shortened version I will summarize by saying that I spent the next 20years fumbling around the labyrinths of Christian idealistic theology, riding on its roller-coasters and roundabouts grasping for that magic key that would give me “Vision” again. Little things along the way, like having the odd OBE which would rekindle the thirst for truth of what is behind all the seemingly infinitely mysterious realms and finding myself (for 10 more years) in yet another duelist labyrinth of explanations found at the New Age self-help buffet.

BUT…at last I found DU, late last year (2006) and ACIM (before I finished DU), because I new without a doubt, this time, I was almost home…I had found my lost golden key….FORGIVENESS!

I have found the door to my freedom which the key (loves messenger) is unlocking, thanks to Gary and his remarkable book The Disappearance of the Universe.

“Here, the world outside is seen anew, without the shadow of guilt upon it. Here are you forgiven, for here you have forgiven everyone. Here is the new perception, where everything is bright and shinning with innocence, washed in the waters of forgiveness, and cleansed of every evil thought you had laid upon it. …Yet even forgiveness is not the end. Forgiveness does make lovely, but it does not create. It is the source of healing, but it is the messenger of love, and not its source….The holy instant in which you were united is but the messenger of Love, sent from beyond forgiveness to remind you of all that lies beyond it. Yet it is through forgiveness that it will be remembered.” ACIM